Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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