the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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