I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
This is the high leading the old right now
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Randomize
