I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize