i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize