I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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