can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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