Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
