I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
