just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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