Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
