Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
