I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
another moral hangover. fuck.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
