I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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