so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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