Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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