I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
