Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
