So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
