we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize