i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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