Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
