I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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