how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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