Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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