when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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