Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
We just shotgunned beers for America
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
