3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize