i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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