I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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