you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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