he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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