I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
This gyro tastes like lonliness
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I wear drunk well.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
