The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
