Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
My life is pants optional.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
