can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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