Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
