I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
