i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
