I think my vagina is haunted
no you cant smoke seaweed
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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