I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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