my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
