mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
