she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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