I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
