thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
