I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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