I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize