and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
