I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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