Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
