Too much gin, very little bucket
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I got inside last night via doggy door
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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