4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
my phone needs a breathalizer
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
