you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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