as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
