remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I have already put on my inside pants.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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