What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I need a burrito and a hug.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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