when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize