My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
