We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
